Blog #18
I have to say it took me a while to quite understand what blogging is. In the beggining I was taking each one as an essay. They were taking me forever to get done. I’ve never been to much of a writer, it always takes me a while to get one sentence down. Its so cool how people could just want to write for the fun of it. Its not fun at all to me. I did it because I was forced to in order to pass. With that being said its with out a doubt that I will not keep it up. It was complete torture to me. I guess I got a chance to work on my skills and it has probably made me a better writer. I’m so stuck right now because I can not even think of anything to write about blogging. I’m out of time for the semester but I have enjoyed the class especially the teacher. I learned that there are many different types of papers. I thought they were all essays.
Add comment May 9, 2008 eternity5
Blog # 15 Change
That is very funny that we would have this on a blog because I have been thinking and talking about this with my friends. Before my accident I was a very active, happy person. It was almost impossible to find me in a bad mood. I always tried to cheer people up and l was there to liven up the day. Then I had the terrible accident that bound me to a wheelchair and took my spirit away. I become a totally different person and everyone around me noticed. People tried to cheer me up especially my husband Edward. I did not have conversations with anyone just yes or no responses. I noticed how much I had changed but there was nothing I could do to come back. It was like I was on the outside looking in.
About six months after I had gotten out of the hospital I tried to go back to school but it didn’t work out for me. I felt so alone and out of place. I would be in the classroom then all of sudden start feeling sad and needed to step out to the restroom to cry. Even today I can’t explain why I felt that bad. Slowly I started talking to more people around my apartment. My counselor kept on convincing me to get out of the house and do something. I felt like I was ready to go back to school. I stopped caring that people were staring at me in public.
In December I registered and all I could really think of was I’m I wasting my time again. As I came everyday I loosened up and people started talking to me. Everyone at the college has always been so nice and friendly. My attitude is better and I enjoy getting up in the morning everyday. I’m back! Thats how I feel. At home my daughter and my husband seem alot happier to me. This semester has really helped me get back into the groove. I work hard and I’m a stronger person for getting through it. I over the nervousness of being around alot of people in my wheelchair. It has helped me to accept that this wheelchair is not who I’am. I’m still the same person from before just sitting in a wheelchair. Everyone has always told me that this is just the first time that I beleive it.
I have over come the idea ofr being handicapped. I don’t feel handicapped and theres nothing I can’t do like everyone else, especially in school. When I turn in my paper it don’t look any different than anyone elses. If not my paper is better. Ha! I wanted to accomplish getting through the whole semester. Not pass or fail just get through it. For some people thats easy but last time I only went ten days. I’ve done it and now I feel that I could go another four years. Another thing that I wanted was to get straight A’s and I didn’t. My whole life I have never settled for anything less in school. I’ve gotten an A in three classes and I don’t think I’m getting an A in english. That doesn’t surprise me its my hardest subject. Besides that I came a long way and I’m proud of myself.
Add comment May 9, 2008 eternity5
#13 Where everybody knows your name
The classmates blog I have chosen to read is one of Tameka’s blogs. She is talking about her defining moment when she found out she was pregnant with her first child. By her choice of words you can tell how freaked out she was by her pregnancy. As I read her story it was so shocking to me because it sounds like one of my stories. I felt a real connection with her. She sounds like such a laid back person.
During my pregnancy I was constantly sick. I know some people who don’t even have morning sickness but I was not that lucky. Like Tameka I did not know I was pregnant for a while. I thought I just had a stomach virus or something. Being young mothers is another thing all together and we have that in common. She is also realizing like me that we could have started school earlier had we not gotten pregnant. One of the little differences is that she had taken many pregnancy test and I didn’t. I’m looking back now and thinking maybe I was in denial. We both regret it that it set our goals back. Like her I’m still going after my goal even if its later, because its better late than never. Right? Both of us got freaked out when we found out about the baby but I think that normal. What is normal anyway; who defines it? My older sister had that samething happen to her with the pregnancy tests. That did not happen to me but if it did I would be so confused. I can reakky understand what she went through. We both come from a minority group and having children young happens often. Besides all that we are both working hard to rise above the stereotype.
Based on this blog I would most definetly be friends with the author. We have so much in common that it would be very difficult not to have things to talk about. I can tell she is a smart person too. She is going to school and not wasting her life. Those are the type of people i like to asscociate with. Both being young mothers we go through similar experiences. Me and Tameka have a better chance of having a long lasting friendship, than me and somebody who didn’t have a baby at a young age. I think when you tend to have friends who have not been through tough times like you have they judge you. They can not helpp it they criticize and think that your ways are wrong. Maybe they may not just come out and say it right a way, but they most certainly don’t feel a strong connection. This is the reason your loved ones don’t like it when you hang oout with the wrong crowd. They say you are wjo you hang around with. I beleive that to the bone. It’s hard to have a friend you have nothing in common with. Besides in her writting she sounds like a person with a sense of humor and who doesn’t like a friend to joke with!
Add comment May 9, 2008 eternity5
#9 When I grow up
When I was little I remember being very curious about all careers in general. My family and I would go places and if I’d see like a bus driver, a waitress, or a banker I asked my mom a thousand questions. The questions would always be the same such as ” Does he make a lot of money? Did that person have to go to college to do that?” and my favorite was “Do you think I should be that when I grow up?” I was also a big nerd in school and I can’t remember a time that I didn’t make at least the A and B honor roll (mostly A honor roll). I enjoyed school very much and I like to learn about different things. To this day I’m always asking questions so I can learn more, especially about careers. In class I usually was one of the first ones to be done and the teacher would ask me to help somebody out with understanding their work. I felt I was good at it and wanted to be a school teacher.
As I got older and began looking into the education needed and the salary that they made. Some of my teachers went to college up to six years for their PhD. I always knew I wanted to go to college but I didn’t think that I could make it six or four full years. Especially after the accident because I get tired alot faster than before. Once I found out about the pay I started to look at other careers and just forgot about my dream. Many people told me that it was not worth it being a teacher and I started to believe it . Another thing is when I was little I didn’t realize how much patience it takes to teach kids while trying to control their behavior.
The other day I had to interview one of my teachers that has been teaching for 34 years. and she begin to tell me all the good and bad experiencies as a teacher. She has good advice and stories because she taught middle school, high school, and college. She gave me the urgency to want to go and change my major that period. I have not completely given it up, it could be but I need to find a way I could get the salary I need to raise me and my daughter. I wonder if the professor at a university gets paid more since the tuition is a lot more? I can still help out people in class and offer tutor to people that need it. I teach my daughter everyday as she now asks all the questions that I did when I was little. Also I have to help with her homework and everything else she doesn’t understand about life. Right now I’m tutoring my husbands 40 year old sister Virginia who just went back and is trying to get her GED.
It is very unfortunate that I sorta gave up my dream and I will always think about what could’ve been. I will never understand why they pay teachers so little when there the ones that educate the whole world. Maybe one day it will all change.
Add comment April 28, 2008 eternity5
#7 Freaked out
Since my accident I tend to self destruct more often. Just think everything that you do everyday, and now imagine your not able to do it for yourself anymore. Other people do simple daily activites for me and I don’t always like the way they are done. That is one of the things that usually pisses me off; especially because I can’t do them for myself. Just like two weeks ago was the last time I went into self destruct mode.
I had fallen behind in all my classes because I had gotten sick. It felt like everything was going bad for me. In my english class I’ve been behind ever since I had to redo my blogs because I did’nt save them right. At first I felt over whelmed and thought I was never going to catch up, but then I started taking them one at a time. In speech class I had a persuasion speech I had to say on Wednesday. All in this same week my art test was going to be on Friday. It was the biggest test she had ever given. I mean it covered alot of material and I had to know info on classical music by sound. Don’t even get me started on math. I really fell behind when I failed a test and he allowed me to retake it. So, I had to study for the retake and also for the one everybody else was already on. I was completely stressed out.
I go to school Monday trough Friday and it is no where near easy. I wake up at six A.M and go to the clinic to get my pain medication everyday. When I get back I have to wake up my five year old daughter and get her ready for school. I use to feed her breakfast at home but it got to difficult so she eats at school. My personal aide arrives at 7:30 to help me get a bath and get dressed. Then its off to class and I stay there until about one p.m all week. When I arrive at home I get to take an hour lunch break. My daughter Eternity gets off of school at three and is ready for a snack. She also has homework that I help her with. I finally get to start my studying for about two hours. About 5:30 I prepare dinner and my husband Edward gets home. He has been up since he drove me to the clinic then he went to work for ten trough twelve hours. We eat dinner and as soon as I finish I get back to my school work. Edward helps out and gets Eternity and him taken a bath, thank God. Me, well I stay studying until my eyes star closing slowly on me. At last I get to go to bed, but it only feels like an hour before the alarm rings and its time for another day.
So you could see how crazy my day is and I can very easily turn into a witch at any split second. This busy week I was very grouchy and talked to people with an attitude or did not talk to them at all. This is my first time back at school in five years. Any thing sets me off such as if Eternity can’t find her shoe I’ll star yelling at the top of my lungs at who ever is there. I started fighting with Edward pretty much everyday, nagging him to help out. Sometimes when I’m working I just begin to cry and I dont want to be bothered. I start cursing at my family to start doing things for themselves. The neighbors could most likely hear me. My family was completely being ignored by me.
I don;t like it when I get like this and I always regret it the minute after its done. I’m really going to start working on my behavior and temper. Instead think before I take action. Next semester I plan to make my schedule a little easier by only going Tuesdays and Thursdays. I just know it will be worth it in the end.
Add comment April 20, 2008 eternity5
#6 I think I can
I think that braveness is one of my weakness’. I try to be the safest person in pretty much everything I do. I wasn’t always like that, but I’ve learned some hard lessons in life and I think taking risk is for the irresponsible, wild people. Why take that chance, if I do this it could really benefit me or it could mess things up for me. I go the safe way and say ” I’m not going to do that because there’s a chance it could go really bad for me”. So, I listened to this song and tried to imagine if I were brave and could not fail, what would I do? Well I think the list for me is endless. I always stop before I do something and think “can I accomplish this?” Especially after my car accident its like I’ve started a whole new life and I look at everything in a different prospective. I guess you can call me a chicken shit.
In high school when I was in ROTC I was really motivated to go to the service. That is something I believe everyone should consider. We all share the freedom so its only right if we all share the responsibility to defend it. As I got into my senior year all I could think about is everything that could go wrong over there. If I were brave I would of done it. Of course its too late for that because now I’m paralyzed but I think I would of enjoyed it.
Another thing that I’ve dreamed of but have not had the courage to do so is to go out and drive again. Heres another thing that with my accident I have really thought about the consequences. Every time I’m on the highway it frightens me to be close to the wall. I get scared on bridges all the time. I understand that accidents happen but I don’t want to hurt myself or anybody else. If I were brave I would go out and get a disability van to drive. I would want to drive myself to school instead of having to depend on someone else. I would be able to take my daughter places by ourselves. I know see really misses that. I would get out of the house more often rather than sit at home every day like I do. I’d have a completely different life.
Right now I’m going for an associates degree in applied science. I wanted so badly to go for a four year degree but I was scared I would fail. What if I go half way or third the way and give up then I’d be left with nothing. If I were brave I would take that big leap of faith and believe in myself instead of being scared of failure. I would’nt limit myself to the small things that might not be that hard to accomplish. I’d be strong and go which ever way life takes me.
Also there is alot of things I don’t do because I fear of what other people might say of me. Such as dressing up and going clubing; I feel if I go people might stare and think to themselves this girl is in a wheelchair and still trying to party. I would’nt be worried about what they think just continue the things I use to do before I was in a wheelchair. Like wearing low cut shirts and putting on make-up everyday. I would do my nails, go color my hair and go out and experience new things like a 23 year old should. I hope that the day comes when I stop trying to be safe and think what ever happens happens, just do it.
Add comment April 17, 2008 eternity5
Blog 11 The Playlist
I have not learned yet how to put music or even listen to music on my computer. I don’t even have alot of CDs so you might see the same artist over and over. The only song I’ve listen to on my computer is “If I were Brave.”
- opening credit: Tonight by Smashing Pumpkins. I first heard this song on MTV videos a long long time ago. The video is sur real and to me this song is explaining all the amazing things that could happen tonight. The video relates so much because there in outer space and all these extraordinary things are happening to them. Weird creatures come out and chase them. This song is in my collection because I really beleive it.
- waking up : Ironic by Alanis Morissette. This song is so cool and crazy. I can’t beleive somebody would not have it in their collection. It so crazy how all these things really happen to people. Like winning the lottery and dieing the next day. Its things we can’t explain. I have this song to remind me that anything could happen, no one knows what tomorrow holds.
- First day of school: Every Rose has its Thorn by Posion. To me its saying that everybody has a bad side. No memories this song and mainly every song in my collection is out of my time. My parents were big classic rock fans and it rubbed off on me and my sisters.
- Falling in love: Under the Bridge by Red Hot Chili Peppers. It brings back big time memories from, when I was doing drugs and living life on the edge. I felt so alone and never wnat to feel that way again.
- Fight song: You Oughta Know by Alanis Morrisette. I like this song because she is sharing her feelings to her ex and telling him straight up how she feels. Nothing like this has ever happened to me but I still understand her.
- Breaking up: Enter the Sandman. Who doesn’t love Metallica. I really enjoy heavy metal especially this old cd.
- Prom: Touch Me by The Doors. I know I’m too young for this but I like their music.
- Life: Send this smile over to you by Smashing Pumpkins. I don’t think thats the name of the song but thats what the chorus is. Anyway, I have this song because of the music not the actual words. You could hear a little bit of everything: violin, piano, guitar, and drums. I could listen to this song over and over and not get tired of it.
- Mental breakdown: diamond girl. I’m not sure who sings it I made this mix Cd from the radio. It is a freestyle song and I like them love songs because I’am blessed with such a good man. We still treat each other like we just got together and the kissing never stops. Ha.
- Driving: Sad but True by Metallica. Great drums, it really gets me going.
- Flashback: November Rain by Guns n Roses. I love this song. It was my fathers favorite song and my father had past away. Everytime I listen to this love song I think maybe he liked it because it was the truth of my mom and dads relationship. They loved each other but could not be together. The song constantly repeats that everybody needs someone. Sometimes it makes me cry because I think of my dad being heartbroken.
- Wedding: Nothing Else Matters by Metallica. It so effective that you should trust in yourself and that nothing else should matter. I think we should all live by that.
- Birth of a child: Hand in my pocket by Alanis Morrisette. I love all her songs she makes me sing yelling out all the lyrics. When I listen to her I yell because she says the truth straight up who cares what anyone thinks.
- Final Battal:Rat in A Cage by Smashing Pumpkins. Stating how the world takes a piece of us and somehow were never good enough.
- Death scene: Wind of Change by Scorpions. I could be wrong about the artist. This song reminds me of all the change I’ve experienced.
- Funeral song: Unforgiven by Metallica . About how you try to please everyone and will be unforgiven.
- End credit: Head over feet by Alanis Morrisette. It reminds me alot of my marriage. I’m still so in love with him after six hard, dramitic years.
Add comment April 13, 2008 eternity5
#8 Todays Dramatic News
As I watched news this week a story about a polygamy ranch really caught my attention. This polygamy ranch in Eldorado, Texas, led by Warren Jeffs was being raided and searched. Authorities received a call from a 16-year-old girl. She claimed she was being abused and that other 14 and 15 year olds were being forced to marry older men. The church is being accused of pedophilia, torture, and child abuse.Carolyn Jessop a wife of an alleged leader of the Eldorado complex went on the news to tell all. She believed that the church is committing crimes and hiding behind a religion in order not to be touched by authorities. She stated “They have no concept of mainstream society, and their mothers were born into this and have no concept of mainstream culture. She went on sying that her husband Merril Jessop controlled his wives by abusing their children. Carolyn escaped from the compound with her eight children. State troopers are holding men until investigators finished executing a house to house search of the 1700 acre property. They removed 401 children and 133 woman, and were beginning to confiscate documents along with any other evidence.
As I have researched the story I also discovered that the women wore hand sewn dresses and were not allowed to cut their hair. Child Protective Services will be assigning an advocate and attorney to each child. It was stated that if the children ended up with the state permanently they would have difficulties adjusting to modern life. This is not the first time they’ve confronted leader Warren Jeffs. In September he was sentenced ten years for being an accomplice to raping a 14 year old girl. On the Web this raid was being compared to a similar incident in 1993 on the Branch Davidian compound in Waco.
We are impacted on the stories that are more dramatic. I especially get touched by the things that happen to children. I think that happens with most people. This particular story caught my attention because I thought about all those children being abused everyday while some of us don’t realize how l fortunate they are. Carolyn Jessop said that they even tried to control the infants. “The method he would use with infants was a form of water torture,” Jessop said of her former husband. “He would spank the baby until it was screaming out of control, and then he would hold the baby face up under a tap of running water so it couldn’t breathe.” I have a daughter and I can’t imagine what I would do if someone did that to her. It’s very hard to picture that image. Whenever it comes to death people get touched because a life is a very valuable thing. We remain in awe that somebody has the heart to torture and kill a human being. Since, the only things that come out on the news are things that are out of our norm it always leaves us amazed at the things that actually go on in the world. When you see that someones doing something and that’s not how you do it, we perceive it as weird. Such as different cultures and religions that each live differently.
Over my lifetime one story has impacted me the most, and that is the Andrea Yates story. In Houston, Texas on June 20,2001 she drowned her five children in the bathtub. She had been suffering from depression and was in and out of hospitals. Andrea only had one hour with them and that was more than enough time for her to take the lives of five beatiful children. When interviewed by police she claimed to kill them so they would’nt grow up to be sinners and be punished by God. She said she had been a bad mother to them and had no other choice.
In my eyes this story was unreal. I could not believe how some perceive things. I remember when I seen this on the news it made my eyes watery. I kept on imagining the seven year olds fear. She drowned the children as so, Luke, age 2; Paul, age 3; John, age 5; Mary, six months old; then Noah age 7. When she brought Noah in the bathroom Mary was still floating in the tub. Poor boy he knew what was about to happen. I know this impacted the nation because people hold up children on a pedastal then to see this woman killing them all. I think she really had to be out of her mind and sick to be able to go through with this. I pray for those children and hope that she realizes what shes actually done and lives in pain everyday.
Add comment April 13, 2008 eternity5
Blog 5 It’s A Girl!
When I look at my life and ask ” What would I do differently? “ That’s so easy, I wish I would have waited to have a child. I had my daughter at 17 years young. Of course, still at home living with my mother. I was going to my senior year in high school. I did’nt realize then that I was way too young to have a baby. Not only that, but I had no idea how to properly care for a baby. I thought all you had to do is change diapers and make bottles. This is both my boyfriends (at the time) and my first baby. He is only a year older than me and we had nothing to offer this baby, materialistic or experience. We both had to get a job. At first I was going to school and working and then it got so hard that I dropped out. Everyone encouraged us to get married and we did. I feel like we all suffer because of that mistake we made. Edward has to work at a back breaking job to support us with no diploma.
I had planned my life so differently. I was a straight “A” student all my life. In high school I was in R.O.T.C all four years. I ranked 8th in my class of 210, and I wanted to graduate so bad. I wanted to go to the Army reserves. I imagined myself going out clubing to have fun like other teens. I thought I would go out and date different guys till I found the right one. Don’t get me wrong I love my husband, but I feel we really just got married because it was the right thing to do for the baby. At age 23 I still pictured myself single. I would go to a four year university and get a bachlors. Now I don’t have that time I need to get the associates degree to start working and helping with the bills. When I got out of school, got into a career, and financially stable I’ll be at the right stage to get married. This is when I would be thinking of having children. When we have more to offer a baby and would’nt have to worry about struggling.
Can I create a new opportunity for the missed one? Well let’s see I’am already happily married even though I did’nt get to experience dating a whole bunch of wierd unique guys. If that would of happened the guys I hear about probably would have scared me out of marriage and choosing a lifetime partner. Idid go back to school and was able to get my GED. Not the way I planned it but I was already too old to go back to high school. I’ve just started community college and plan on a two year degree. It is much tougher to do homework and focus on studing when a five year old is depending on me to help with her homwork. Also I need to get dinner on the table every night. I did the full time student this semester but I’m thinking I couldonly handle part time next semester. My family has already been in hard times and you can’t make up for that. I believe I can still reach my goal, but its going to take twice as long and be twice as hard. A baby at a young age put me two steps behind on everything I do.
The most important thing I’ve learned is to use birth control, because one decisions can change your whole life. I will really think about the consequences when you have unprotected sex. I can move on with my life and progress. On the good side I can help others like my daughter and my little sisters by giving them advice about having a child young. I guess I’ve learned my lesson because I only have one child. HA! I want a second child, but now I know to plan ahead and wait till were prepared.
Add comment April 7, 2008 eternity5
Blog 4 Alcohol
A particular smell in my history would have to be my long stay at the hospital. In December 2005 I was in a terrible car accident. It was early in the morning around 7 a.m, and the rain was coming down. It was cold out and the water on the road begin to turn to ice. The car slid in the ice and hit a pole. I became paralyzed from the neck down. My face and my whole body was swolen. I had shattered my jaw and the doctors had to place arch bars and plates to hold it together. I had a tracheotomy to brethe. I was unable to speak for two and a half months.
I had to stay at the hospital for almost six months. Everyday was a routine down to the minute. Basicly I did the same things everyday. I know that pretty much everybody knows the smell of a hospital, but I was able to smell every single thing. I don’t know if it was because of the accident or the new medications they were giving me, but different things made me nausous. I remember the smells of the bandages and wraps that they put on my open wounds. I could even smell the tape and to this day I’ll recognize that med tape smell. My day time tech was Linda and she wore a flowery perfume that gave me a headache. Iremember her and her scent very well because I spent everyday with her for six months. Other smells that come to mind is the daily air sanitizer that housekeeping sprayed after they cleaned. It smells exactly like the no fragrance Lysol that I use at home to disinfect. I had to take vitamins daily and they smell literaly like throw up. To this day if I have to take a vitamin I’ll hold my nose.
I realize that many people have stayed at a hospital, but I don’t think very many people get to experience it like I have. My months at the hospital were very dramatic. Many days were sad and depressing for me. Especially in the begining when I was unable to get off the bed. The first two months I laid in that bed only being able to watch television. All my family lives in San Antonio, so the only visitor I had was my husband. I cried daily and prayed that I would get better and go home. It is the most depressing time in my life. I remember feeling like my life was over.
Since my accident I have been to the hospital many times, but none of them compare to this one. Times when I get sick it takes everything for me to go to the hospital. I’am scared they will keep me there and I’ll be depressed allover again. There are many times that I smell the familar scent of the hospital. Such as bandages, wraps, and the stinky vitamins. One of the biggest ones that brings me flashbacks is the alcohol. I guess because they used the pads so often to clean my central line and get medications. When I get a whiff I get this image in my head of me laying down on a hospital bed. I use to cry alot when I start thinking about it. Not anymore, I think of it as look how far I’ve come. Not to include how lucky I feel to be able to come out of all that and still go on with life. People always try to cheer me up by telling me everything will be okay, I finally realized they were right. Now I’am strong enough to talk about it. It has grown from a depression to an accomplishment.
Add comment April 7, 2008 eternity5
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